My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
