You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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