that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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