Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
