I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
