I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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