hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Sober January is a disaster.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
