I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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