Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
