New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
why do cheetos always look like penises
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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