You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
