It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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