I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
