Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
