btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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