I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
