Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We have started to decorate penises.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
