Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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