Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
