Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
