She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
