im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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