It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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