So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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