today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't put those talents on a resume
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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