i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
