I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
