Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
