i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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