I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So vagazzling was a success
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
