I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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