Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
