I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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