well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
im on a boat
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