I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
