Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
