i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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