I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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