I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
