You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
