I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
