Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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