Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
