Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
