she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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