What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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