I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
BRING THE BAGELS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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