I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
