just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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