dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
