fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
