Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Fuck appropriateness.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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