i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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