The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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