k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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