Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
