I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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