i permit you to call me
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
