so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
