I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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